history
i first started reading the manga Blue Exorcist in middle school, around the age of 12. i had picked it at random to read in-between class, and it swept me away, between its beautiful art, gripping story, and lifelike characters that subvert every trope they begin with.
to say that this manga has had a huge influence on me would be an understatement; it was there for me at my worst, providing comfort and escapism, and most importantly, recognition and affirmation that i was not alone, through the character of yukio okumura.
yukio, at the start of the manga, seems to have his life together, especially when placed against his brother rin, who is suddenly flung into the same life of demons that yukio had been raised with from a young age. but as one reads further, the facade that yukio presents to the readers at the beginning starts to crumble.
yukio is a very troubled character. he grapples with the trauma of his upbringing, which was inherently violent, despite how much his father tried to protect him. this, in addition to his knowledge of his brother's true nature as the other son of satan who possesses satanic power (yukio does not), leads to the start of the manga, which places him in a position of power over his brother and classmates as their teacher, after his father (their former teacher) is killed by satan.
yukio, over the course of the manga, begins to strain under the pressure of the roles he balances, and, by the early middle of the series, engages in dangerous, self-harming behavior, all in service of seeking a true purpose, a higher power he may possess that he has no answers for. he "experiments" on himself to trigger this power, which resembles his brother's blue flames: he tries to drown himself, jumps off a multi-story building, and more.
by the time the manga nears its hundredth chapter, yukio starts to reach his breaking point, with his friends/students, and especially his brother, concerned for his well-being.
by chapter 93, he attempts suicide.
this only triggers the satanic power he was seeking before, which turns out to be a partial possession of his eye by satan, and leaves him alive.
this is about where i will stop recapping yukio's story, because for me, this was where it stopped, for a long time.
impact
the above is not to say that i stopped paying attention to yukio or the manga he's in; far from it, though i have drifted in recent years. instead, yukio's story stops for me there because of how it begins to mirror my own.
as i started reading in middle school, i would, over the years, grow with this manga and into a teenager in my own right. i developed my own intense depression, debilitating and life-stopping.
throughout this depression, yukio and his story, of survival, of reaching your lowest and fighting your hardest through the misery and pain and ultimately being forgiven and accepted by the people he distanced himself from for so long... i say that a lot of things saved my life during the worst of my depression, but i never talk about yukio, simply because it is too personal. it's too close to my life, thinking about these dark times.
but... on my bad days, when i'm unable to get out of bed, i think about yukio, alive and ugly, after his attempt, all tears and failure, screaming laughter in his ears from his father's taunts. i think about how, later in the manga, he spirals further, and yet, despite the mistakes he makes through it, he is still forgiven; he is understood, and loved.
i realize that this is a bit of a downer to submit to a shrine challenge. but when i heard the topic, i knew there was no one else i could write about. the ghost of yukio haunts me every day, but he also reminds me to keep going. and, sometimes, that's what i need to hear in the back of my head, to keep walking, one foot in front of the other.